I have been thinking a lot about children lately. Mainly
because of my nephew. His name is Christopher, and his first middle name is Robin. Believe it or not, he was named
after Christopher Robin from the Winnie the Pooh children’s story. My sister
really loved that cartoon. Plus she was going through a depression at the time
of her pregnancy so I guess she thought that maybe if her kid was named after a
cartoon character he’d be happy and not depressed like she was.
Anyway, the point is
that I have been much about children, and babies recently. Christopher turned a
year two months ago in April. But what I am intrigued by is how manly he is
already, even from as early as nine months. Everything he does: how he twists
his body, how he deliberately does things to annoy the girl holding him, how he
immediately stays silent and unmoving when a male holds him…
This is highly ironic because his mother is one of the
girliest people I have ever come across and his father is rather metrosexual;
the epitome of the Western, civilised, self-effacing, 21st century male. The only other person
who lives with them is sister’s mother-in-law and she is a very sweet little
old lady herself. So where did all this manliness come from all of a sudden?
There is something interesting in my family in that all of
us look very muscular and tough even though we hardly exercise. Both
Christopher’s mother and I have rather large calves. People always ask my
sister if she was an athlete. I have very well-shaped arms and whenever I stand
with my hands akimbo people ask me if I work out because biceps appear from
nowhere. My other two siblings, another sister and a brother, have smaller
limbs but even they look tough. The brother because he is a martial arts
champion has trained his body to look fit. But what was startling was that as
soon as he started to work out, he very quickly looked super muscular.
Honestly, I work out for a week and I start getting a six pack.
The true test is my other sister. She has very smooth slim
legs and arms, which have only recently started to get bigger because of her
diet, but she is changing that now. But she has the kind of extremely firm,
very large, round behind that one would normally associate with an African
American athlete. I’m talking a Serena Williams behind. How can her derriere be
so firm if she hates exercise?
Anyway, I’m getting off track. This isn’t meant to be about
fitness or my family’s weird athletic looking features. This is meant to be
about Baby Christopher (never Chris). And I’m about to get academic sounding
here but its nothing too ivory tower so its cool. Baby Christopher really
challenges all the beliefs of the gender theory and Judith Butler's Gender Trouble. She and that
school of thought believes that gender (not equal to sex) is not biological,
but taught. This theory believes that all of the behavioural traits that come
along with gender are taught to us by society and not inherent by our sex. I am
still a firm believer in this because notions like boys shouldn’t cry and girls
are hysterical pretty much get thrown out of the window when babysitting at
daycare I observed the fact that male babies tend to cry more than female
babies who are often more composed. Anyway, then along came Christopher with
his masculinity who made me doubt my beliefs. I still believe many traits are
taught and I hope Christopher’s masculinity won’t hold him back from crying (which
indicates emotion which is a necessary sign of humanity and the denial of
that component in masculinity is what turns some men into uncommunicative,
heartless monsters). But the intuitiveness of his masculinity really makes me
wonder. Is this an essential, unchanging part of him? Or will it change? Will
he outgrow it? Or will his masculinity only get more…intensely masculine?
I see a problem here. Masculine is too vague a term.
Interestingly, its not as fixed a meaning as feminine which brings more (mostly
negative) connotations to mind. Maybe that’s because women are constantly told
what a “lady” is supposed to be by men. Men don't suffer from the Madonna/whore dichotomy that women do after all. In any case, masculinity in terms of
how I am using it here refers more to an “Aroo! Aroo! Aroo!” Sparta warrior cry
ideal. Or think the series Spartacus. Hmm, all these movies/shows are set in
ancient times. For a more 20th Century example think of Marlon
Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. A great 21st Century example is Ali in
Rust and Bone. It shows the kind of brutal, oblivious, insensitive force that I
characterize masculinity as.
But of course, there are other types of masculinity. Forget
the warrior/abusive husband/boxer uber-machismo ideal and think of the more debonair stereotype.
The smooth talker. The charmer. Benjamin Schwarz wrote a FANTASTIC piece on
the charmer that I suggest everyone read because it explains the manipulation of the
charmer better than I can.
To be honest it doesn’t matter which one you prefer because
both those stereotypes are calculating and cruel. One uses brute
force/uncontrollable rage and an inclusive brotherhood that women are not
allowed into, while the other uses smooth language and manipulative schemes to
get into a lady’s pants while not giving a shit about her.
I don’t want either of those masculine ideals for
Christopher. But you know, I am an open minded girl and so I think what needs
to occur is a re-evaluation of masculinity.
Can we have a masculinity that respects women? One that,
yes, provides, but understands that a woman can provide too and that that does
not mean she is trying to emasculate him? Can we have a masculinity that is
able to accept and understand that a man can cry and that is okay because it
makes him human? Can we have a masculinity that doesn’t try to manipulate and
seek to destroy womanhood at every turn? Can we have a masculinity that is not
self-destructive and de-humanising of himself and harmful to all other people around him?
Cause that’s the kind of masculinity I’d like for
Christopher. I love him very much, and this is why I am prepared to teach him
the kind of masculinity I’d like to see in the world.
So that one day, when he falls in love with a girl or a boy
or whatever, he will be the kind of caring, loving partner that everyone wants.
And hopefully he will have the good sense to fall for a caring person too that
gives him the kind of love he deserves too.
This is my wish for Christopher, and for the world.
