Musings on Gender

I have been thinking a lot about children lately. Mainly because of my nephew. His name is Christopher, and his first middle name is Robin. Believe it or not, he was named after Christopher Robin from the Winnie the Pooh children’s story. My sister really loved that cartoon. Plus she was going through a depression at the time of her pregnancy so I guess she thought that maybe if her kid was named after a cartoon character he’d be happy and not depressed like she was.

 

 Anyway, the point is that I have been much about children, and babies recently. Christopher turned a year two months ago in April. But what I am intrigued by is how manly he is already, even from as early as nine months. Everything he does: how he twists his body, how he deliberately does things to annoy the girl holding him, how he immediately stays silent and unmoving when a male holds him… 

This is highly ironic because his mother is one of the girliest people I have ever come across and his father is rather metrosexual; the epitome of the Western, civilised, self-effacing, 21^st century male. The only other person who lives with them is sister’s mother-in-law and she is a very sweet little old lady herself. So where did all this manliness come from all of a sudden? 

There is something interesting in my family in that all of us look very muscular and tough even though we hardly exercise. Both Christopher’s mother and I have rather large calves. People always ask my sister if she was an athlete. I have very well-shaped arms and whenever I stand with my hands akimbo people ask me if I work out because biceps appear from nowhere. My other two siblings, another sister and a brother, have smaller limbs but even they look tough. The brother because he is a martial arts champion has trained his body to look fit. But what was startling was that as soon as he started to work out, he very quickly looked super muscular. Honestly, I work out for a week and I start getting a six pack.

The true test is my other sister. She has very smooth slim legs and arms, which have only recently started to get bigger because of her diet, but she is changing that now. But she has the kind of extremely firm, very large, round behind that one would normally associate with an African American athlete. I’m talking a Serena Williams behind. How can her derriere be so firm if she hates exercise?

Anyway, I’m getting off track. This isn’t meant to be about fitness or my family’s weird athletic looking features. This is meant to be about Baby Christopher (never Chris). And I’m about to get academic sounding here but its nothing too ivory tower so its cool. Baby Christopher really challenges all the beliefs of the gender theory and Judith Butler's Gender Trouble. She and that school of thought believes that gender (not equal to sex) is not biological, but taught. This theory believes that all of the behavioural traits that come along with gender are taught to us by society and not inherent by our sex. I am still a firm believer in this because notions like boys shouldn’t cry and girls are hysterical pretty much get thrown out of the window when babysitting at daycare I observed the fact that male babies tend to cry more than female babies who are often more composed. Anyway, then along came Christopher with his masculinity who made me doubt my beliefs. I still believe many traits are taught and I hope Christopher’s masculinity won’t hold him back from crying (which indicates emotion which is a necessary sign of humanity and the denial of that component in masculinity is what turns some men into uncommunicative, heartless monsters). But the intuitiveness of his masculinity really makes me wonder. Is this an essential, unchanging part of him? Or will it change? Will he outgrow it? Or will his masculinity only get more…intensely masculine? 

I see a problem here. Masculine is too vague a term. Interestingly, its not as fixed a meaning as feminine which brings more (mostly negative) connotations to mind. Maybe that’s because women are constantly told what a “lady” is supposed to be by men. Men don't suffer from the Madonna/whore dichotomy that women do after all. In any case, masculinity in terms of how I am using it here refers more to an “Aroo! Aroo! Aroo!” Sparta warrior cry ideal. Or think the series Spartacus. Hmm, all these movies/shows are set in ancient times. For a more 20^th Century example think of Marlon Brando in A Streetcar Named Desire. A great 21^st Century example is Ali in Rust and Bone. It shows the kind of brutal, oblivious, insensitive force that I characterize masculinity as.

But of course, there are other types of masculinity. Forget the warrior/abusive husband/boxer uber-machismo ideal and think of the more debonair stereotype. The smooth talker. The charmer. Benjamin Schwarz wrote a FANTASTIC piece on the charmer that I suggest everyone read because it explains the manipulation of the charmer better than I can.

To be honest it doesn’t matter which one you prefer because both those stereotypes are calculating and cruel. One uses brute force/uncontrollable rage and an inclusive brotherhood that women are not allowed into, while the other uses smooth language and manipulative schemes to get into a lady’s pants while not giving a shit about her.

I don’t want either of those masculine ideals for Christopher. But you know, I am an open minded girl and so I think what needs to occur is a re-evaluation of masculinity.

Can we have a masculinity that respects women? One that, yes, provides, but understands that a woman can provide too and that that does not mean she is trying to emasculate him? Can we have a masculinity that is able to accept and understand that a man can cry and that is okay because it makes him human? Can we have a masculinity that doesn’t try to manipulate and seek to destroy womanhood at every turn? Can we have a masculinity that is not self-destructive and de-humanising of himself and harmful to all other people around him?

Cause that’s the kind of masculinity I’d like for Christopher. I love him very much, and this is why I am prepared to teach him the kind of masculinity I’d like to see in the world.

So that one day, when he falls in love with a girl or a boy or whatever, he will be the kind of caring, loving partner that everyone wants. And hopefully he will have the good sense to fall for a caring person too that gives him the kind of love he deserves too.

This is my wish for Christopher, and for the world.

What I like about myself.

It seems there's a lot of complaining going on in this world. And I should know, 'cos I'm one of the complainers. But recently I've been thinking about maybe counting my blessings more often instead of my failures. Also, I just read apricot tea's most recent blog entry on what she loves about herself, and I was even more inspired by the comments she got than the entry itself. She asked her readers to list at least five things they like about themselves, and the answers just made me happy.

Anyway, all this has led me to compose a list of 10 things that I love about myself and my life right now.

1. I love being healthy. As we speak my sister is recovering from a sickness and it suddenly struck me that you are nothing and can achieve nothing if you don't have your health. Everyday I wake up I should be glad I'm able to get out of bed unassisted, in my right mind and with a healthy body.

2. I love being single. I know there are a lot of women who are always in relationships, and I always thought they were the lucky ones because they always had someone around. But I've realized that being constantly in a relationship isn't that healthy and that some of these girls don't know who they are outside of their partner. And that they feel that the only way to validate their being is if there is someone there to dote on them and tell them that they are worthy.
However, I am not and have never been that girl. Greater periods of my life have been spent single than in a relationship, and I've never regretted that. However, earlier this summer, just because it was summer, I started feeling lonely and thinking maybe I should give this relationship thing another whirl. But then I realized that I was thinking about being in a relationship for all the wrong reasons. I mean, there was no significant person I deemed acceptable at the time, and I never think that one should get into a relationship just because they're lonely. But instead because they're ready. And when there's a partner worthy of your heart.
And anyway, like I've said, I'm beginning to love this single thing. No calls every five minutes. No feeling of responsibility. No explaining my every action to someone. In fact, I love singledom so much now that a guy would have to be pretty freaking amazing to change my mind now. Haha!

3. I love my hair. Now there is one thing in my life that I spend a considerable amount of time and effort on, and that is my hair. I dote on it, I pamper it, I spend way more on it than I do on my other obsession: clothes. It's mid length right now and it's healthy so I'm happy. I've never been a fan of extensions, hair-pieces, weave or whatever you want to call it. So I decided that I would take care of my own (albeit thin) hair so I wouldn't have to resort to such methods. Taking the time to get your own hair done well is so much more worth it than putting in someone else's hair. If you take care of it, it will be healthier snd thicker and all those hairstyles you thought you could only achieve with weave are now achievable with your own hair because its healthy enough to take it.

4. I love my body. I'm somewhat vertically challenged, just over five feet, but I've always kinda liked that. And I have a decent figure. Not too thin, not too curvy, just right. I probably need to tone up in some areas, but nobody's perfect. And I'm fine the way I am.

5. I love my family. I have a fantastic family. We have our little spats and tiffs, but now I take an objective step back and look at my family, we're not so bad. My whole family loves me and I hope they know that I love them very much. I should probably tell them that more often.

6. I love my close friend K. Do you know what it's like to have a forever friend? The kind that you just know if you stopped talking to him or her today, and just saw him/her five years later you could pick up where you left off with no awkwardness? I mean, this friend means so much to me. Has always been there for me, and I've always done the same. In this person, I found the ride-or-die type friend that had always eluded me, and in me this person found the listening, non-judgmental friend. And I'm so happy we found each other, because close friends like that are just so hard to find. Most people only find one or two in their lifetime.

7. I love my weird sense of style. I have a very strange way of dressing, and since I started following blogs I've found people with a similar style to mine but not quite. Its just very strange. If I had to describe it it would probably be similar to Kate Moss's or Karen Blanchard 's sort of style. Kinda bohemian, but not as bohemian as Karen. But basically, my style is never too glamorous or too clean. My hair will always be a bit tousled (I've discovered that this is a nice word substitute for shaggy or unkempt), my shirt will be oversized, and my clothes might not match. And that's just me. Growing up, I didn't have a whole lot of clothes and I had a lot of hand-me-downs from my sisters, so I had to be creative with what I did have. And this has contributed to my strange style. And I love it.

8. I love my eyes. I'm fortunate enough to have nice eyes, but I played around with coloured contacts for awhile until so many people told me I looked better with my natural eye colour that I decided to go back to clear contacts.

9. I love.... Love. I don't think I've really found it yet, but I know it's out there, and I've caught glimpses of it in the love I receive from my family and my friends. But that not the love that I really want. I want the type of love between a man and a women..or a woman and woman..or a man and a man...depending on what you're into. Anyway, I'm getting myself confused. I want the love between two people who feel like they need each other and they complete each other, not just in a sexual way but in a beautiful, abstract, intangible way that is so hard to describe.

10. And finally, I love my blog. And I love those that have commented so far. All three of you. Seriously you have truly made this all worth it. No, seriously, I had abandoned this blog till I saw E's comment under my first blog entry encouraging me. Thank you so much.