10 Commandments of Dating

Hello. I'm back.* And back with a list of dating commandments. I journeyed to the top of a mountain to get them, and have returned with them to you on tablets. Why are you guys dancing around an idol?... What, Biblical reference overkill? Yeah, I think so too.

Anyway, I'm serious about the dating rules part. I was talking to the lovely Isabel of Walk Of Fashion recently, and it made me think of what things a person, especially a female should do, and shouldn't do, on dates. So here you are.

The 10 Commandments of Dating. (According to the Misnomer, who actually has no life.)

10. Don't go someplace noisy on a first date. Generally, the point of a first date is to get to know the person, and find out whether you two are compatible. So conversation will be necessary. So don't go to a club. Why? It's too loud. And how are you going to keep a convo going if you're trying to keep time with his dance movements? And he's going to spend half the night trying to get drinks for you at the crowded bar anyway. So try to go to a place where you two can sit and talk and get to know each other better. Like to a restaurant... Or if you do go out dancing, make plans to meet for something to eat first so there is some opportunity for conversation.

9. Carry money just in case. Okay, we've all been told that traditionally a guy** should be a gentleman and pay for the lady on a date. But we also know that we live in the twenty-first century, and in a world of metrosexuals, feminist rights, adrogyny and gender-blindness, the gender lines have become kind of blurred. And more specifically, the idea of a classic delicate lady, and the idea of an 'man's man' gentleman are all but disappearing. Now we have the image of a superwoman-who-doesnt-need-a-man and a guy who is confused as to how to approach this new woman. In short, he might think you actually want to pay for your own dinner. And if you do have to pay, you can't make a fuss about it. 'You women wanted independence after all. Well now you have it. Tough' might be the argument a guy puts forward. (N.B -- Don't date that guy.)

Personally, I still think on a first date the guy should pay. Afterwards, you two can split the tab or work something out based on your respective incomes. But in any case, ALWAYS carry money to be safe. (And hey, you never know, you two might fall out during dinner and he might storm out and you get left with the whole tab. You never know.)

8. Wear heels. Do it. Don't argue with me. Like the Nike ad says, 'Just do it'. I feel so strongly about them because heels have a magical power in them called super flattery. They flatter everything on a woman. Your calves will magically look firmer. Your butt will magically look higher. Your breasts will look perkier. Even your hair will seem as though it is bouncier. This, my friends, is the magic of the heel.  Yeah, I know they're painful. Yeah well, life is tough. In the words of Karla Deras "toughen up, little soldiers." So work it on out, girl.

7. Wear something that flatters your assets.... No not THAT asset, you bosom-obsessed exhibitionist! (I kid, I kid.) If you do want to highlight your bosom, do it discreetly with a top that is flattering to the chest but which does not have your cleavage spilling all over the place.

Likewise, if you feel your best asset is your legs, wear a short flirty dress and some heels. Or if you've been working out in the gym and have Madonna arms, wear a sleeveless top and wear your hair up to give the arms maximum exposure. The point here is to draw on your strengths and to hide your weaknesses (though, obviously, you have no weaknesses. You are a Goddess, darnit.)

6. NO application of make-up at table. I am sorry, but the ladies room exists for a reason. He doesn't care that you apply your lipstick with a lip brush. He would actually love to be none the wiser. Handle your make up business in the bathroom. Never, ever, at table.

5. Avoid noisy foods. Think about it. Is that celery stick really worth it? You're gonna get some stuck in your front teeth anyway. That's just your luck. And just because there are carrot sticks in the salad, it doesn't mean you have to eat them. Just stick to the cucumber and the tomato. You know, the quieter foods.

4. No eating of slurpy, stringy foods. Need I say more? We already know that whirling-the-spaghetti-round-your-fork trick doesn't always work, and that at some point you will end up slurping a stray string into your mouth. Look, I've been there. And take it from me, the risotto tastes better anyway.

3. Always try to talk about other topics other than yourself. If he can't get a word in edgewise because you are going on and on about that marathon you did last year, that's not a good look. Let him talk about himself a bit. And more importantly, try to expand on other topics such as current affairs, cuisine, music, literature, art, Lindsay Lohan ... you name it.

2. Try to keep the conversation upbeat. No one likes a downer. I once went on a date where my date was duly being upbeat and engaging, but somehow I turned the conversation to depression, and the fact that I had a depressed friend. I looked down as I spoke about how we couldn't leave this friend on his own for too long at a time because we were afraid he would hurt himself. Suddenly I looked up and realized that my date was grimacing. And I realized I had ruined the great time he was apparently set on us having. Luckily, he smoothly changed the subject to the food we were eating, but I'd almost ruined the night. Now I know that one does not have to know everything, and definitely not the depression history of a friend.

1. No sex on the first date! This is the cardinal mistake some women make. They want the guy to like them, they are insecure, and they know that he could have any girl he wants to, so to "snag" him, they give up the cookie. Ladies, ladies, ladies.... the best way to keep a guy from calling again is by sleeping with him too early. Because sex is like the prize. The general concept of a prize is that one has to work for it to get the reward. In this case, the reward is you. He has to work for you. He has to wine and dine you. He has to engage you mentally. He has to seem interested in your goals (you have goals, right? No? Make up some. Pronto. Goals are sexy. Guys dig that shit.) and aspirations. He has to at least take you out on more than one date, for crying out loud. So that he earns the prize. Got it? Oh, you knew that already? Ah, so I've wasted a paragraph. Very nice.

But seriously, sex with a guy on the first date is a sure-fire way to become a one-night stand. If you're really into the guy, you'll want to something more long-lasting than that to come out of the date. 

So the big question becomes "When is it the right time to give it to him then?" Well, that's a tough one. I honestly have no idea. So I asked around for other opinions and everyone agreed that it depends and it probably differs from person to person. Some say wait three months, some say the fifth date, some people don't believe that you should have sex outside of marriage. It depends on the person, and I'm not here to judge anyone. But please don't give it up on the first date. That's as far as my advice goes.

*Right, ok, I'm back. And more sarcastic than ever. I know I've been gone for aeons (two months) and I'm truly sorry about that, but university this semester was beyond crazy, and the number of projects, presentations and essays I had to complete made it almost impossible to blog with the effort that I think it deserves. Anyway, I'm back now, and as it's summer I'll be updating more frequently. And that's a promise I make to myself as well as to you guys.

** I keep using the pronoun 'he' in reference to the person that is reading this, which I presumed to be female. But of course, you might be a male and be reading this with a female in mind. (In which case, skim over 9, 8 and 6). Or you might be a woman reading it with another woman in mind. Jeez, I don't know what you're into. So I just used a heterosexual relationship as a general guide. You can adjust the pronouns to your own preference.

I hope all yall are well and healthy and happy! And look out for more updates this month! Cheers! :)